


Zidane is a Little Shit

by UnknownUnseenUnheard



Series: The Infinite World [8]
Category: Dissidia: Final Fantasy
Genre: Kuja is just as bad, Petty Kuja, Team!Mom Squall, Zidane is a little shit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-16
Updated: 2018-03-16
Packaged: 2019-04-01 06:51:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,268
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13992798
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UnknownUnseenUnheard/pseuds/UnknownUnseenUnheard
Summary: In which Zidane decides that pranking Sephiroth is a fun idea, Kuja had absolutely no part in this, and Squall is so, so done





	Zidane is a Little Shit

A/N: So, this is an offshoot from Final Anime, where Zidane mentions once braiding Sephiroth's hair as a prank while Sephiroth was passed out. You don't have to read that one to understand this one

Enjoy :)

Published: 3/16/2018

Warnings: None

* * *

**Zidane is a Little Shit**

There are many truths in the universe. The sky is blue, water is good for you, Seifer had temper problems, people were annoying, silence is golden, Ultimecia was a bitch, time travel is such a pain, one could literally drown by staring too long into Rinoa Heartilly's eyes, and a lion wolf hybrid would be the most utter badass thing in all of creation.

These were the truths of creation, as far as Squall was concerned. However, it now seemed like he had to add another truth to that list, a truth that could no longer be denied.

Zidane Tribal was a complete little shit of epic proportions.

How Squall had ended up as the team mom was beyond him. Although, he suspected it had to do with the fact that he was the only responsible adult out of all of them, which was so hilariously sad that, if Squall had been a weaker man, it would bring him to tears.

Bartz was a good kid, but Zidane's pull was too powerful for him. Zidane could easily drag Bartz along for whatever plots he had cooking up his sleeve, no matter how insane they were.

Like this one.

Squall was going to murder Zidane.

As soon as they got the hell away from a rampaging Sephiroth with his hair braided ten different ways, makeup caking his face, several flowers literally stuck to him, and a little filthy drawing on his cheek showing a mini Sephiroth attempting to pin a mini Cloud to a wall.

"How in the hell did you even manage that!" Squall demanded, because there was no way in hell the great and proud Sephiroth would have willingly allowed Zidane to turn him into a walking drag queen contestant reject.

"The Warriors of Chaos helped!" Zidane shamelessly confessed.

Squall had to resist the urge to slam his face into his palm.

Doing so would distract him.

Distractions are not good when a rampaging demigod is trying to skewer you to death for associating with the object of his ire.

"I don't know, man. I think it's hilarious! You look really pretty, Seph!"

Bartz had no filter. Or any semblance of the word tact.

Sephiroth roared.

Squall risked a glance behind him.

Wing.

Sephiroth had grown wings.

Why did all the bad guys have wings?!

(Okay, so it was only Sephiroth, Kefka, Chaos, and Ultimecia, but still)

Sephiroth blasted into the sky. Lifting his right hand in the air, Squall watched in dismay as the skies above them began to darken before being torn apart by a massive shape in the sky, also known as meteor-no-bullshit-no-jutsu.

"If I can't catch you, I'll just have to erase any remnant of your pitiful existences." Sephiroth sated cooly. Despite his current appearance, or maybe even because of it, the words sounded all the more menacing.

And, Zidane?

The little bastard just cackled.

* * *

Kuja hadn't meant for this to happen.

He hadn't believed their scheme would be so successful either.

Truth be told, had Kuja acted alone, nothing would have happened. However, he had not acted alone. Back up is so wonderful, even if it came in the form of people Kuja normally couldn't stand.

Sephiroth was such an annoyance. His arrogant I'm better than the rest of you attitude was annoying beyond end. That in itself didn't annoy Kuja that much, but combined with his pretty boy looks and his sauve attitude to anything and everything, Kuja personally found that he hated the man.

Self righteous prick.

Kuja gleefully ignored the irony of such a statement. He himself was perfection, thank you very much.

Kuja himself did have the defense of technically having done nothing. Well, not directly, anyways. Oh sure, he'd whispered a few words here and there, but he hadn't actually stated anything, so what was the harm, right?

"I underestimated you, I admit. Hm."

"I have no idea what you mean, my lovely Mateus." Kuja smiled at the Emperor. Mateus, in turn, rolled his eyes.

Yes, Kuja had whispered in the ears of others. But, really, he hadn't done it. Hadn't lifted a finger. He was completely and utterly innocent, and anyone who told you otherwise was a lying son of a tonberry.

So what if Kuja had told Kefka it would be a fun idea to see how many sleep spells it would take to make Sephiroth take a nap? That was literally all Kuja had done. Kefka, of course, had taken this as a challenge.

Sephiroth literally had not been phased. He hadn't even noticed someone had tried to enchant him.

Which, of course, was when Kefka had brought Terra into the picture, and forced the girl to cast alongside him. This… Actually had a result, but not much. Sephiroth had blinked for a second, before shrugging it off.

How Kefka convinced Ultimecia to join was beyond him, but she probably had done so for the very same reason that Kefka had: to test her magical abilities.

That… Sephiroth had noticed.

And had promptly attempted to skewer the three of them for their sins. Which, to Kuja's delight, was when Golbez had stepped in, slamming the final nail into the coffin.

Kuja had to admit, it was a bit frightening that it had taken four magic users with city leveling abilities to force Sephiroth to sleep, but it had worked.

Phase one, complete.

The phase which Kuja was totally innocent of.

The second phase, Kuja could admit, had really been his fault. Not that he would ever admit such a thing out loud, because Kuja lived living and he liked having all his limbs intact, thank you very much, but something he was guilty of nonetheless.

"Kuja! What do you want?!"

Zidane brandished those little knives of his. Kuja decided to take a small step back. He knew from experience that little brother was a lot more ferocious than his appearance suggested. Instead, Kuja just grinned, which caused Zidane to become even more suspicious.

Oh, come now. Zidane was acting as if Kuja had constantly manipulated him into compromising or dangerous positions. Which he had, but Kuja hadn't done that in at least a week, so Zidane should really start to let those kinds of things go.

"I come not bringing war, but bearing gifts!" Kuja declared, arms swept before him dramatically.

You could hear a cricket chirping in the background.

"Yeah, somehow, I doubt that." Zidane all but growled.

Kuja rolled his eyes, arms dropping as he eyed Zidane in annoyance.

"Can't an older brother greet his sibling without being threatened at knifepoint?"

"No! Like you said, your my brother! The literal point of your existence is to annoy me!" Zidane pointed out. Kuja titled his head. Okay, he had to admit, even an idiot like Zidane somethings spoke wise words of wisdom. Annoying Zidane was Kuja's main goal half the time.

But, not today!

Today, Kuja's capricious nature would be wielded against a greater annoyance!

"Our dear silver general is currently sleeping under the combined might of four sleep spells." Kuja decided to just come out with it. There. That was better.

Zidane's expression wavered. There. Hook, line, and sinker. Time to reel him right in.

Kuja's face broke into a smirk.

"What do you say, little brother? Want to prank the hell out of SOLDIER's finest?"

Zidane's expression flickered once more. Then, there, at long last. A smirk as vicious as Kuja's own spread across Zidane's face as the younger genome took the bait, biting right in.

* * *

Zidane cackled.

Perhaps not the wisest decisions while being chased by a literal fallen angel intent on wiping him off the map for no logical reason, but still. Zidane wasn't sure what Sephiroth's problem was. All Zidane did was make him look pretty. Sephiroth should be thanking him! Zidane had made Sephiroth look nice and good, and surely Cloud would notice, and that's what Sephiroth wanted, right?

Well, that, or Sephiroth was trying to kill Cloud.

Zidane wasn't sure.

Whatever the hell Sephiroth felt for Cloud, it sure as hell was passionate.

Ergo, the little picture Zidane had drawn on the former's cheek.

"He can summon meteors? Okay, so can I if I have the right Junction, but not one that big!" Squall was alternating between glaring at the sky and glaring at Zidane for dragging him into this mess. Which Zidane had not done. He had been perfectly willing to take the fall all on his own.

It was just Zidane's luck that Sephiroth had awoken just as Zidane was finishing his masterpiece.

(Zidane smirked as he finished the last ink stroke on Sephiroth's cheek. So focused on his task, Zidane didn't notice the malicious smirk on Kuja's lips as he whispered a single word, a single spell.

"Esuna."

Green catlike eyes snapped open, staring right at Zidane, brush still in hand, eyes wide like a deer caught in the headlights.)

Zidane looked up at the raging ball of death Sephiroth had summoned for the whole purpose of smashing them to bits. Or, more specifically, Zidane. Squall and Bartz would be killed merely for association, which totally wasn't fair.

"I don't get why he's so mad! I just made him look nice for Cloud so they can go on a date!" Zidane cried.

Squall's eyes shot towards Zidane in disbelief.

Bartz, imminent death literally blazing above his head, laughed.

Sephiroth, annoyingly enough, had sharper ears than Zidane had anticipated considering the roar that answered Zidane's words.

Squall came to a grinding halt. Zidane and Bartz did the same as team mom turned, gazing first at the sky and then at Sephiroth, who was currently floating in midair with his right arm lifted, controlling his summoned ball of rock and destruction.

"We can't outrun that thing. We're gonna have to smash it." Squall said, eyeing the meteor with distaste.

"Errr… Not to rain on your parade, but how?" Bartz asked the obvious question. Zidane knew there was a reason he liked the other boy.

Squall's eyes were fixed up above.

"If we all combine our strongest attacks, we should be able to shatter it. I'll aim a Blasting Zone at it. Zidane, Grand Lethal. Bartz, Four Elements." Squall ordered, gunblade flashing in his hands. It was now or never.

Before them, Sephiroth brought his arm down, and the meteor along with it.

* * *

Sephiroth was going to slaughter that filthy little monkey. After he was done with the monkey, he was going to move onto killing Kefka and Ultimecia. Terra, he supposed, he could let live. She was just a mindless puppet. Who knows, maybe he could make her serve him instead of that idiotic clown. He'd have her kill Golbez for him.

How dare they… How dare any of them?

No matter. Sephiroth was about to eliminate part of the problem. Then, he could erase the rest.

No one made a mockery out of him. No one.

Sephiroth brought his arm down, and the meteor obeyed, falling down to smash into his opponents. Sephiroth would crush them all.

It was in that moment that everything went to shit.

Not when Sephiroth had been forced to sleep. Not when he had awoken to a genome painting his face. Not when he had realized his hair had been braided and that there were flowers sticking out of places he didn't want to even think about. No. It was this moment that things went downhill.

Why?

A massive beam tore right through the meteor, cleaving it in two. The was followed by a whirlwind of red, ripping and slashing its way into the two halves, beams of lights emanating from the tiny figure which Sephiroth could only assume was Tribal. This was followed by the Mimic boy blasting right through, a tiny storm of magic and weapons that caused Sephiroth's very hard work to turn into dust.

Sephiroth twitched.

Tribal landed several feet from him, a pant on his lips as he was hunched over. Tribal looked up, eyes dancing with mirth.

Kill, kill, kill, kill.

Then, Tribal's expression somehow became more amused. The boy obviously had a death wish, a wish Sephiroth was perfectly willing to grant.

Tribal stood, and waved.

"Hey Cloud!"

Sephiroth froze. Slowly, the silver general turned. Lo and behold, there was Cloud, stading literally right beside him. When Cloud had arrived was beyond Sephiroth, although it probably happened when Sephiroth was distracted by his meteor getting shattered.

All that wasted magical energy, too.

Cloud, ignoring Tribal, stared at Sephiroth. Or, rather, at Sephiroth's cheek. Sephiroth instantly regretted not checking what Tribal had drawn on him. He had assumed it was something stupid, like a dick on his face, but the way Cloud was staring at him with such a bewildered expression made Sephiroth think it might be something worse.

"... Why the in the hell is a mini you trying to pin a mini me against a wall on your cheek?" Cloud asked bluntly.

Sephiroth blinked several times.

Tribal cackled again before the lion boy appeared, gripping Zidane by the scruff of the neck and dragging him away, a glare aimed right at Sephiroth as he did so.

…

Cloud edged away slightly before turning away.

"I saw nothing. I need a drink. Goodbye."

Sephiroth twitched.

Dead. That brat was dead. So, so dead.

Elsewhere, Kuja laughed.


End file.
